Davenport: First of all, thanks for taking the time to chat. We really appreciate it. But give us your story, who is Cleany Gunhands?
Gunhands: Hey there. Yeah, thanks for having me. My name is Cleany Gunhands, and I love to clean, but I also have guns for hands instead of regular human hands for hands. I’m stuck in a scary digital hell dimension where I’m thrown into a very messy house or cafe or something and, like, I have to stop a bomb sometimes. There are others there, and they’re always yelling at me, yelling, ‘Dang-it, Cleany! Stop shooting the fridge and help us make these walls strong! We need the strong walls! But I’m just trying to clean the fridge, but I can’t because I have hands that aren’t hands, but guns instead of regular human hands.
Davenport: So you have hands that aren’t hands, but guns instead of regular human hands. Wow. Tell us, tell us a little bit about that.
Gunhands: Well, you see my hands? You don’t. You can’t. I don’t have hands. [Holds up gun hands] Where I have hands, should have hands, instead I have guns, not regular human hands.
Davenport: Have your hands, or gun h—which do you prefer?
Gunhands: Gun hands, please. Thanks.
Davenport: Have your gun hands always been gun hands? Or were they once hands, regular human hands?
Gunhands: Good question. I don’t remember to be honest. I woke up in the digital hell dimension where all the places are dirty and my last name is Gunhands so I didn’t think much of having hands that are gun hands and not regular human hands. There are many angry people who may also have guns for hands in the digital hell dimension but don’t like cleaning so they wouldn’t, they wouldn’t know and just make the mess even worse and say terrible things if I try to clean the fridge.
Davenport: You like to clean. Why is that?
Gunhands: I don’t know if I actually like cleaning. I’ve never successfully cleaned anything in my life. When I wake up in the digital hell dimension and see my name, I just think, ‘Geez, my name is Cleany Gunhands, my hands are guns and not regular human hands and I just gotta clean!’ So I try to clean, but I can’t, because my hands are gun hands and not regular human hands. I’m always trying to clean the fridge, and the others are yelling about the strong walls, and I just shoot the fridge instead of cleaning it, because my hands are gun hands and not regular human hands.
Davenport: What’s the closest you’ve ever come to cleaning something?
Gunhands: I was once able to nudge a piece of sheetrock into a corner using my clumsy digital body. Without direct control of my feet and no feeling in my extremities, I just walked back and forth until the small piece of sheetrock was at least out of sight. It is my happiest moment.
Davenport: Have you ever tried throwing a grenade? To see if you have regular human hands too?
Gunhands: No, that’s impossible. I have gun hands for hands instead of regular human hands. But sometimes one of the angry people yell about the strong walls and throw a flash grenade and my vision will go white and I can’t hear anything and it’s like, it’s like everything is clean for just a moment before I’m returned to the digital hell dimension.
Davenport: These angry people, who are they? What do they want with the strong walls?
Gunhands: They want to hide from the other angry people. I don’t think they want to make a mess, but they, they make a mess. They make the walls go down and the walls also go up. Some make the ceiling or floor a hole where instead it was once a ceiling or floor. They take the beautiful home or sophisticated cafe and make them not beautiful or sophisticated but I do not think they are there to see how beautiful or sophisticated the home or the cafe can be.
Davenport: Is there anything in the digital hell dimension that you’d like to clean most?
Gunhands: The fridge, I think. It’s a nice fridge and should be clean. But if I can take a moment to think.
Davenport: Sure, take your time.
Gunhands: I think I would clean the angry people, clean the angry people of their anger. They dress as strong, special military people and they yell about the strong walls and do not want to clean. They only want to make a mess. I don’t think a mess is good. I think a mess is bad, in fact.
Davenport: But the digital hell dimension, it’s a video game, yeah? They’re playing the game. Why aren’t you playing the game and making the strong walls?
Gunhands: My name is Cleany Gunhands. I like to clean and I have guns for hands instead of regular human hands. I’m stuck in a digital hell dimension where the angry people yell about the strong walls and I can’t clean the fridge. I can only shoot the fridge with my gun hands, which are not regular human hands. It is in my most basic nature to do this.
Davenport: So is it in the angry people’s most basic nature to make the strong walls? To be angry? To dress like strong, special military people? Can you fault them for that?
Gunhands: No, I cannot. I don’t think ‘fault’ is at stake here. It is just strange to me to see a mess in a beautiful home or sophisticated cafe and to not want to clean it up. Instead, the angry people make the strong walls and knock over all sorts of domestic implements and shoot the other angry people. No one will clean. No one will clean the fridge. This may be a game to them, but none of them pay attention. None of them see the beautiful home or the sophisticated cafe. None of them are encouraged to see. So, who else will clean the fridge? Cleany Gunhands, the person who instead of regular human hands has guns for hands? I must try. Perhaps someday, I can find a way to make the digital hell dimension tidy and neat and beautiful and also sophisticated.
Davenport: That is very noble and sad.
Davenport: Thank you for your time.
Gunhands: Don’t shake my hand. I have guns for hands instead of regular human hands. We’ll bow.
Davenport: I can’t bow, my head is a sword instead of a regular human head.