I often get asked, "Hey, man, you can't sleep here. In the Walgreens." and also, "How can I make my breakfast better?"
The solution is simple. I've devised eight steps to se(gg)t you on the right p(b)a(con)th. Why eight? Because I believe in a ubiquitous unifying principle: Why do four people have eight hands? Eight feet? Why does a bag of eight hot dog buns have eight buns for hot dogs in it? Why are there eight numbers on a keyboard besides "TWO" and "SEVEN"? Why do most stars secretly have eight points? We are united under the number eight and, based on the factual, 100% scientist-approved evidence provided, it's impossible to dispute. Also, it was hard to think of nine because Die Hard was on the TV and I like that movie.
1. DON'T MAKE PANCAKES
Because fuck those. They're just water and dust. Grandma is made of dust, because why? Because we put her in the fireplace after she stopped making breakfast. Now she's on the mantle in that JCPennys vase, looking all egg shaped and hopeful, but lacking in that nutritional intEGGrity. Get that negative anti-breakfast dust out of your LIFE and stop eating pancakes. They're for settlers who probably made a "genocide" (word I learned on Pawn Stars I think) or something.
2. GET INTO THE BREAKFAST SPIRIT
Make a breakfast haiku, even if you don't know what a haiku is. Just riff, you know? Confiding in the presence of the BREAKFAST SPIRIT is a surefire way to make your breakfast not a stupid dickhead disappointment. Let's practice, okay?
Hey, pass them eggs / Because I ain't go no / Stupid eggs / I'm sorry I called them stupid / I understand they have nutritional value / Forgive me and please / Put away the pancakes, / Jesus.
It's simple, really. However, don't anger the BREAKFAST SPIRIT with inappropriate riff-raff bull-hucky. Like, don't walk up all in the kitchen expecting the BREAKFAST SPIRIT to just be there prepped, eggs all done and fancy looking just because you made that really weird shrine in your Continual Education art class, you creepy mother fucker. That was really weird and out of line for you. No, invest time, energy, money, and probably not be totally awkward about the whole thing with any voodoo bullshit. Just make your e(ggs)ggs and chill.
And yes, I'm aware of my poor word choice and what sexual innuendo is, but I'm also aware of how immature and childlike your stupid baby mind is. You can't get "into" the BREAKFAST SPIRIT anyway. No butts. Also a ghost.
3. DON'T INVITE YOUR BROTHER
Last time he came he didn't help with dishes and also put that terrible Piggly Wiggly's brand hot sauce all up in the eggs and everything. There was a little red splash on the ceiling and I just found one in my pantry in the sugar bin and god damn I told you to keep Jerry out of the sugar bin but no he got up in it and his hands were also greasy from touching his hair and Jesus just don't invite your brother and yes I know what you're mom told you about including him fucccccck that. He's a dips(ausage)hit, Ted. And he smells like my apartment lobby, all swampass and muggy.
Hey, just call your mom and maybe tell her that, yeah, Jerry is dead to us now. And he can walk home. And that, man, actually Jerry isn't so bad, and I'm sorry, but we just got to, GOT TO keep him and his Trojan horse hot sauce out of the sugar bin, okay?
4. EAT "WARM-UP" BREAKFAST FOODS
It's common knowledge that in ancient civilizations, breakfast was actually every meal of the day. In fact, the word "breakfast" is actually two words "smashed" to"geth"er. The first half, "break" referred to the traditional way of "breaking it down" or as we know it, "being cool", "having a good time", or, a more youthful and contemporary interpretation, "hella youtube parties and online digital pizza timez". The second half, "fast", "is derived from" a traditional ceremony in which people ate super fast all the "time" "." No break(fasts)s were taken, and civilization boss folk straight up "crossbowed" anyone who wasn't cool enough to eat a gravy boat (traditional measurement standard) of gravy eggs before BREAKFAST #1.
Don't want to pull a muscle anyway. Warm up.
5. GET A WAFFLE IN YOU
(Not in your butt. You are not a ghost.)
6. BUY A SKATEBOARD AND IMPROVE YOUR GRAMMAR
Because shredding is a pretty applicable skill. Find your stance, get your bearings (for your wheels, dummy!), find a CC that CCuits you (for your wheels too, dummy!), and finally, get a deck with cool artworks that YOU feel express YOU. This is important! I chose one by a brand called WORLD INDUSTRIES because there is a little fire man and a little water man on the board and they're involved in some hi-jinks, having a mischievous skateboarding competition. I feel like I can identify with the little droplet men because they, too, want to skateboard and have hi-jinks, and also smile.
Okay, now stop and reread that last paragraph. Grammar improved already? Thought so. Just imagine all the grammars you will learn once you start whipping out INTELLECTUAL (new word you just learned) tricks like "Popular Shove Its" and "Kicker Flips".
I know what you're thinking. What does this have to do with breakfast. First of all, use a question mark, stupid idiot. Let me step down an INTELLECTUAL and tell you: Grammar is a good tool for breakfast. Imagine all the good grammar you will use and how it will make your breakfast better. "These eggs are very INTELLECTUAL and also I am feeling nutritionally FLABBERGASTED." (New word you just learned.)
7. GIVE SOME TO YOUR/A DOG
It's good fatherly advice. My peepaw used to do it himself. In fact, he often fed the dogs before us! What a kook.
Anyway, dogs are always smiling and ready to eat all the eggs you give them. I recommend making this a part of your daily breakfast regimen because if you feed a dog an egg, you feed him for a day, but if you TEACH a dog an egg, you feed him for infinity. This basically ensures that your good karma will never run out, thereby the oft difficult summoning ritual of the BREAKFAST SPIRIT will become very simple.
8. ~~~$$$[CHEAP]xXxFOLLOW ME ON TWITTER ALSO I DO VOICEWORK[CHEAP]xXx$$$~~~
I also write good taglines for commercial products.
*Camera shows man in nursing home yelling a lot*
Breakfast. If you eat it, dying will be harder.
*Man eats egg through tube or whatever*
*Camera fades to image of smiley emoticon on a gravestone*